It has been a long time since I’ve written anything. This probably would have continued had I not read a blog today from someone who was going through depression following an injury. I am now healthy again (crossing my fingers), but I still suffer from the after-effects. My fear isn’t about the pain or the time to heal, rather the time without running and loss of community. The writer of the blog said that a journal helped him. Very ironic because I avoided writing out of shame.
My hubris got the best of me over a year ago. I spent a few months building a wall from scratch in my backyard (see below) and decided to keep running 100+ miles. It was backbreaking, but I was a god who could do everything, the Juggernaut. Piriformis syndrome, 4 months PT. Then I ran the Vermont 100 on two weeks after my physical therapy concluded. I tore my calf. More PT. Until recently, every time that I came back to running, I jumped up my mileage too fast.
I was so embarrassed. For a while before even prompted or asked by someone, I would recite the whole story, obviously making excuses for myself. This is an injury I should own, and I realize that now. Also, it’s okay. I was too hard on myself and grew to be depressed. Most of my outside work or family interactions come from running. I’m no socialite, but I love my running friends. Unfortunately for myself, I couldn’t face the questions or injury discussions each time we met. I realize now how wrong that is, and rather I should have been involved, helping out the group, being a team player and staying in contact.
This is the selfishness that I feel the need to conquer. People say that the great thing about running is you compete with yourself, not others. I am going to try really hard to think that way going forward. So far, I have found success in feeling like an underdog, the guy who no one believed in. My anger and need for vengeance kept me going and made me strong in races. I would find something to overcome and use it to find that extra little bit of strength and energy, even convincing myself that people were against me, hoping I’d fail to meet my race goals.
The point is that I need to enjoy the moments I have living, breathing, walking, whatever, and the people around me. When someone else is successful within my performance range, I want to be happy for them. If I win, great, if I lose, well, I just need to work harder. No reason to be a bad loser and project my feelings onto them. After today, I will try to write more often and get my feelings out. Saving more commentary for tomorrow.
JF's Blog 